10.9.06
hello world
i'll hand you my heart on a silver plate
take it and break it and fill it with hate
it's not that you dont love me
its not as if i care
cant you tell that im lying
that without you im bare
[[ 03:02 ]]
[[ damian ]]
24.12.05
3 hours past the usual bedtime.
feeling kind of an inexlpicable washing all over me since i woke up. so many thoughts swirling in my mind. like when you stir milo in the morning in one direction and suddenly the other. so many questions unanswered. so much disappointment. the fear of the unknown. the unreliability of of the familiar. nothing to hold on to for belief and nothing to hide behind for protection and nowhere to venture. change, the only constant. falling with no direction. falling with no aim. falling again from where i fell before. failing at reaching out, unable to let in. a lost cause, long shot, an unworthy bet. torn between choices and breaking before lies. the pain, the scars, the stares and the front. balance definitely broken. discoordination between speech, thoughts and actions. immaturity.
[[ 00:41 ]]
[[ damian ]]
24.11.05
you arrive all prim and proper
leave me drunk and i won't be sober
all dressed up and dressed to kill
drink too much and drink to spill
it's too bad bout your new prom dress
too bad now cause you're part of the mess
i was left to my own devices.
[[ 04:50 ]]
[[ damian ]]
16.11.05
ooh it's wednesday morning four nineteen and i'm still wonderin where she's been. reminds me of that song from a long time back. but in that guy's case, it was a monday. anyways, what the fuck am i still doing up? damnit.
how come some people know what they want? how come i don't? or is it i'm wanting to little and i'm capable of more? all these questions in my mind. how do i go about answering them?
dang! i had better not be falling sick so near the end of the exams. my throat is spinning and my head feels sore. wait. i meant it the other way. uh oh. i guess i'm feeling THAT bad eh?
later's there's physics paper 3 and then there's chem paper 1 on friday and that's it. some of them say after that, no more stress and prepare to lead a new life. but the fact is, i don't even think i need to lead a new life cause i have always been like this. bah.
[[ 04:18 ]]
[[ damian ]]
13.11.05
halfway down, halfway more.
well, math and chem are fucked. literally. F for fucked. that's what it's gonna be on the report card. but hey, its not like in blossom's nightmare where report cards are the single most important factor to determine an individual's worth. or maybe, in here, yes. you get judged by the As, Bs and Cs or Fs in my case. you have your straight A student and on the other end of the spectrum, a straight F-fer(no. i don't mean it as heterosexual fucker but yea a straight F-fer in ervery sense of the word.), tada me. anyways, i'm sure there's something that i can do as a means of living. i can make plastic bags. the kind where you poke the handle through the plastic with a cardboard backing and base, or not. i heard this saying, "do something you like and you'll nerver work a day in your life". let's see. what do i like? skateboarding, bikes, cars, guns, clothes, games, music, photo/videography. to name a few. so i can be a pro skater who rides bikes, has a band, is a skate photo/videographer with nice clothes, cars and bikes who has my own line of games, in a band and to protect myself, has a nice collection of guns. mmmmm. sounds far fetched. but i can think of some examples.
mike v has a band, the guys of millencolin skate and they OWN an INDOOR SKATEPARK!, hawk has his video game series and clothing line and is endorsed by clothes shoes companies. most pro skaters have nice rides and cribs and a place to skate in the backyard. bob burnquist has gigantic ahlf pipe for a backyard and a dirt course beyond that to do off road biking and he has a restaurant not to mention appearances in video games and sponsorships. hell. bam has his own tv show which finances his modena, also in videogame. and from all the fireworks/firecrackers going off in skate vids, im sure the love for loud bangs will mature into a love of guns. this list of people is exhaustive (or is it non-exhaustive? to mean that i'm just listing a few.) heh. i think those people are lucky or maybe not cause it takes a lot of hard hard work. but even so, they worked hard in their directions they wanted to go. no doubt there were bumps here and there (but look at where they are now. they probably cleared the bumps and added in a flip or grab. heh) or well. another day gone, 24 hours less to realize my dreams.
and why the fuck am i able to sleep so much? is that why the night is so clear yet alive with all the calling insects and the sound of tracks in my playlist? i have a feeling it's gonna rain.
[[ 04:29 ]]
[[ damian ]]
9.11.05
oooh. it's raining now. there's a paper at 8.
[[ 04:20 ]]
[[ damian ]]
butterflies
the feeling of anticipation, nervousness, anxiety, excitement, amongst many other emotions rolled into one big knot that makes your tummy churn. it usually happens before something big. like a turning point in life (if in math, dy/dx=0 but that's another turning point altogether).
anyways, i felt it before. like before major exams. but its getting less and less. and i suspect i'm kinda numb to it. that feeling's just gone. take today for example, math paper. everyone was prepared(in a good way) and they probably felt butterflies. i didn't. perhaps i should straighten out my thinking or perhaps it already has. a lot of things don't bother me. and that's supposed to be bothering. like if you're gonna ask my bout my plans for life i'm gonna straight up tell you that i don't fucking know. hell. it's tough to live like this. it's all wrong in evryone else's eyes.
ask my friends and they'll tell you that they wanna go to university, what course they're gonna take and all. fuck. how come they've got it all planned out? plus, they study and mug and shit and still, they look like they lead such wonderful lives. where do they find inspiration and drive and shit to keep going?
fucking up the As is sure as hell a certainty. don't argue with me on this one. all the people who had faith in me are gonna be let down. sometimes i think and i just wanna do it for them. but what's the point in that? it's my own life. more often than not, it saddens me and i don't wanna think about that. doing things for the sake of doing it for someone else is pathetic. i wanna do shit for myself not for the sake of doing it.
i've been escaping _______. i'm not strong enough to face ________.
hell. wait. i don't know what i've been typing. i'm trying to express something but i'm doing it all wrong. bah. what the hell.
[[ 03:35 ]]
[[ damian ]]
20.10.05
missing daylight and wasting darknesshello world im back
today is the first day in many im up now
been highly nocturnal these coupla weeks
studies aside (i have nothing to talk bout that)
i think i singlehandedly screwed up the whole of the rest of my life
how sweet
well between now and then,
ive accomplished some shit
non academic
ollieing improving. did one off a slight incline
slides are getting better too
sidenote: theyre gonna feature it in the next tony hawk game
called america wasteland.
now you can skate one entire state of california.
more games are progressing towards the free roaming environment shit
and i completed gtasa 100%. heh. not really wise less than 2 months to exams.
ah well.
to feel sorry too late
with too much at stake
if only i saw earlier
all probably wont end in failure
ive been so nightly that i turned pale. heh
no sun means more fun!
bla. i could go on and on but what the fuck
well to everyone who had faith in me, im sorry i cant refund u that.
oh and i cut my hair. afro boy is no more again.
here come faux/modhawk boy. again. heh
mmm. friends, if u do read my blog, tag so i know.
so i can thank you :)
weeeee and i ve graduated from TPjc. heh.
im not going for prom cause im short of cash.
and probably because it wont be fun if you wont win anyhting. heh.
im a vans fans! haha. i have up to date 4 pairs. one of it decomissioned a long time ago though.
my first skate shoe. but it went out on me after a bike ride.
now, i have rowley xl2, rowley slims, and 2 pair of slip ons.
one of them just saw school today. hope it wasnt tooo traumatic an experience. oh and all you folks taking the big As soon, all the best. dont worry, ill bring up the rear i guess none of you all would do any worse than me. heh.
oh and next time you all become bosses, recruit me. heh. just hope i wont be underqualified.
i love all of you :)
todays the fisrt psot in bout 2 months. heh.
[[ 13:40 ]]
[[ damian ]]